Hugs not Drugs
by Cold Toenails
Summary: I will teach the Tanner family the importance of not doing drugs when I come to visit. FLAMES WANTED!
1. Hugs not Drugs

**HELLO! MWHAHAHA MY NEWESTEST STORY! Uhem sorry must me the candy. YES CANDY! WOOOO! Ok this is hugs not drugs. It teaches the very important reason why people shouldn't do drugs. If you like the Tanners I say you better run now. Oh yeah this is going to be random, confusing, and utter stupidity. Yeah! Flames wanted! Oh yeah my cuz is in the story! Ha things are about to get interesting**

**I do not own the Tanners, who does? If I did things would be very interesting. SLAVES! Die Danny!**

_(Stupid annoying theme music plays)_

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" a girl around sixteen with black hair and green steaks screamed whacking who ever was playing the music with a glass bottle. "That's much better." Cecelia was a distance relative. Their second cousin twice removed from Danny's side. She was dressed in a black tank top with a red and black-stripped tie, and Tripp pants. "Wow what a nice house," she said walking up to the door.

Before she got a chance a person that resembled horses ass glues to a poll opened the door. "Hello! You must be Cecelia!" he said hugging her.

"God you perv," I said slapping him across the face. "Yup that's me. I don't do hugs. Remember that."

Ok," then he said grinning idiotically. "The what do you 'do." He made the quotation mark hand movement.

"Drugs," I said walking through the door. "Here you might like it." I pulled a little bottle filled with white powder and pills.

"What's this?" the moronic loser asked me.

"Something. Just try it."

Another guy came running out of the kitchen. "Hello. I'm Bull winkle," he said doing a horrible impression of Bull winkle.

'He must be a child molester,' I thought. "Hello," I said. "You can take this." I threw my heavy suitcase at him who made him fly thought the wall.

"Wow what do you have in here?" he asked coming out of the hole in the wall.

"Stuff." I walked up the stairs to claim my room. I opened the door and saw two girls in sitting arguing.

"Oh hi," the tallest one said. "I'm Stephanie and that is Michelle. Dad says you are staying in this room."

"Great," I said rolling my eyes.

"Yup."

'Is everyone here a loser?' I asked myself.

'Yes.'

'Oh.' I reached to grab a cookie but the midget bit my hand. "What the hell?"

"That's my cookie," she said. Her eyes turned red.

"You little bitch." I slapped her across the face.

"She has been acting very odd lately," Stephanie said. Michelle started to laugh insanely and peed on the floor. "Michelle! You little brat!" Michelle laughed more. "Clean that up now!"

"Never!" She had a very deep voice for her age. She laughed some more and then started to climb up the ceiling.

"Get down!" Michelle spat on her sister. "I'm telling Dad!" Stephanie ran out of the room leaving me with the midget. "Psyco bitch," I said exiting the room.

Later was dinner and we had something that was shaped as a boot. Who ever thought of that was definitely on drugs. Some how they managed to fit the whole family at the small table. "So how was your day Michelle?" Uncle J asked.

"I'm not Michelle. I'm Tiegan."

"Ok."

"You'll never guess what," Danny said. "The color pink tastes like cheese." The rest of the family looked at each other.

"Are you alright Daniel?" Uncle J asked.

"Fine just fine," Danny said. "But there are all of these spiders on me." He started to scratch his arms. "They won't get off!" He screamed.

"I wonder what is wrong with him," I said trying not to laugh.

"Maybe we need to take you to the doctor," Joey said.

"No! I'm fine! I'll just get some more medicine." He left to get some of his 'medicine'.

"You know what this was interesting, but I'm off to bed," I said getting up. "See you later."

**Ok it's starting out slow, but things will pick up. Any one liked it? Or hated it? Hey, I'm just doing this to show the problem with drugs. Lol yeah sure whatever. Anyone want it to continue? Next chapter will tell what's wrong with Michelle and one sad thing about Danny and his medicine. I don't know if I will continue though. Ok PEACE OUT!**


	2. Say Ugh to Drugs

**Hello I'm back. YES ONE REVIEW! Thank you Dark Angel of Suicide, for being a loyal reviewer. Yes this is very fucked up and is abut to get even fuckier. In reward for your noble reviewing I grant you one cheeto. Use it wisely. Now for more drugs!**

I was awakened by someone walking on the roof. I ran to the window to see who it was. Outside the rest of the family was in the yard gazing up at the roof. So I climbed down the tree to see what they were all staring at. "What the hell is going on?" I asked.

"Dad is on the roof," DJ said.

Yep the idiotic bean poll was up there standing at the edge. "And now, I Daniel Tanner, will prove that man can fly just like birds," he announced proudly.

"Danny you can't fly," the child molester said. "It's impossible!"

"No its not," Danny shot back. "Can't you see my wing? They are perfect for flying! And now I will fly and laugh in the faces of the pigeons!"

But we all know that pigeons can't fly, well not Danny.

He walked back a little and took a running jump. For a second he flew. "Look I'm flying!" But then he fell on his head, shattering his neck.

"That was so fucking awesome," I said as we all watched a dark pool of blood form around his body.

"Hahahaha," Michele laughed. She ran over and started to drink his blood.

"Michele what are you doing?" DJ cried. "Dad shut died and all you can think about is drinking his blood!"

"You know I think something is wrong with her," Joey said.

"Well I'm going to clean this up," Becky said. She went inside to get some cleaning materials.

"What's this?" Jesse asked pulling Danny's drugs from his pocket.

"Candy," I said quickly. "Want some?"

"Nah," Jesse said. "I think I'll give it to the boys." I shrugged and left to find where Michele had gone.

I found her and Joey in Joey's room in the middle of fucking each other. "I KNEW IT! I SO KNEW IT WITH ALL THE KID SHOWS!" I screamed. They both looked at me. "God that is sick."

"Little kids are better then older people," Joey said.

I shook my head. "This is so fucked up."

"I know."

So I left them to finish their…. thing… while I sat in my new room to ponder over why Michele could climb walls. First I thought maybe a radioactive spider of some sort bit her, but then it hit me. We needed and exorcist. But I didn't know where to find one.

I ran down to the kitchen to find the phone book. When I went down there I saw Nicky and Alex popping pills. "Try the blue one brother," Alex said, "It's yummy."

"Okay."

Aw how cute. I flipped through the phone book to find what I was looking for. I picked out the first and only exorcist person and quickly dialed the number. After giving him the address I walked over to watch the twins take drugs.

"There are all these icky bugs all over you brother!" Nicky said.

"Get me off!"

Nicky went over and bit at his brother's arm. Alex screamed. "Did you get it?"

"No." This time he took a big bite out of his arm. "They keep coming!"

"They're on you now!" Alex screamed. They both started to frantically eat themselves. I was about to stop them but the doorbell rang.

"Are you the exorcist?" I asked they priest.

"Yes," he said. "Where is the one possessed?" I lead him up to Joey's room forgetting about the spiders.

**Ok that's all I got now. Where are the flames? God!**


	3. And Nope to Dope

**Ello! I'm back! AND I STILL DON'T HAVE ANY MOTHERTRUCKING FLAMES! GOD! **

**Dark angel suicide- Thank you my loyal fan. I will reward you again with a one of a kind Embassy Suite coffee mug, which I stole last summer when I went with the rest of my fucking family. (Shh don't tell anyone, it's a secret!)**

**Candy swirls- it's supposed to have flames. (Cries) maybe I could put it in T. Yeah then I would have some. But thanks for reviewing anyways. And your story is awesomely funny.**

"Are you the exorcist?" I asked they priest.

"Yes," he said. "Where is the one possessed?" I lead him up to Joey's room forgetting about the spiders.

"She's not here anymore," Joey said after I had asked him about his whore. "I think she's in her room having a tea party why?"

"Ok." We went down the hall to find Michelle in her room biting the head off a chicken and pouring the blood into a plastic pink cup. "Would you like some tea?" she asked sweetly.

"She doesn't seem to possessed to me," the priest said.

But as soon as she realized that he was priest, she hissed and threw her wasted chicken blood on him and began to climb up the wall again. "God damn her," the priest said whipping the blood from his face. "We need to get her on the bed." After many tried he was able to pull her down, and I just watched.

After we had her tied down to the bed he was ready to start the exorcism. Joey came into the room. "Hey what's going on? Oh yay!" he said when he saw Michele tied to the bed. He jumped on and took off his pants.

"There's no time for that!" I yelled hitting him on the head with my sword. "We are trying to perform an exorcism!"

"Ok," Joey said sadly as he put back on his pants and left.

"Now start."

The priest guy took out his holy water and said some prayers. Michele shot green puke out at him. But he only ignored it and continued. "May the power of Christ compel you!" After that I was getting bored to I decided to go see what happened to Nicky and Alex. I found them at the table sleeping with huge chunks of their arms missing. "Little kids look so cute when they're sleeping," I said. But then I realized they were still bleeding. Since they were only little kids I decided I would call an ambulance.

"Where's the parents," the ambulance guy asked.

"I'm the father," Jesse said.

"I'm sorry but we have to take your kids away."

"Why?"

"Because it looks like you have been starving them for so long they resulted to cannibalism," he said.

"But I just gave them candy today!" Jesse cried pulling out the bottle of 'candy'.

"Sir those are drugs!" the guy said.

"No, its candy!"

"You're going to jail," the guy said taking out handcuffs. "Come on you freak. If it wasn't for this girl, your children would have been dead." I gave a fake smiled as Jesse was pulled away and in the distance you could hear him screaming that it was candy. Yes, yes it is candy. Keep telling yourself that.

"Where did my husband go?" Becky asked.

"He told me to tell you that he has fallen in love with someone younger and sexier then you and he took the boys," I told her.

"What?" Becky said running away crying.

"Hm, what's wrong with her?" I asked myself. I searched the house for the next victim to learn the side effects of this horrible thing we call drugs.

**That's all I got for now. What did we learn today? We learned that drugs can make you lose your family and you can go to jail. Poor Tanner family, slowly disappearing… Oh wheel. So who will be the next to learn a lesson? Nobody knows, not even me. THERE BETTE BE FLAMES NOW!**


	4. Drugs are BAD for you

Guess who's back? ME! YES I'M FINNALLY GETTING FLAMES! IT'S ABOUT TIME PEOPLE! But you know what sucks? THAT STUPID HIT COUNTER! GOD I HATE IT! I've gotten 385 hits, yet only nine reviews! PEOPLE, TELL ME HOW MUCH THIS STORY SUCKS PLEASE! Ok now I shall continue to teach this family a life saving lesson. DON'T DO DRUGS!

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_

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Dear Rachel (**My buddy)**_

_How are you doing? I'm fine! Well as you know I am visiting some distant relatives and they are strange people. So far I have witnessed the exorcism of my little relative, Michelle, Danny, jumped off the roof, and two kids were taken away and their dad went to jail. Our little experiment is going well. NEXT VICTIM!_

_Love, CT_

* * *

I quickly put the letter into an envelope and placed it in the desk to mail it later. Who should I get next? That child molester was really starting to bug me. The horny bastard couldn't keep his hands off of Michelle. So I left to find him.

Then I noticed my little baggy of drugs was gone. I ventured downstairs to look for them. But on my way down I tripped. "What the hell?" I pulled myself off from the floor and saw Becky lying on the stairs, clearly dead. Next to her were my drugs. "There you are!" And I left Becky for someone else to deal with.

I found Joey in the living room. Too much of my surprise, he was alone. "Hi Cecily!" he said.

I stopped in my tracks and glared at him. He kept smiling. "Want to see a Bull Winkle impression?" he asked me.

"No."

But he did it anyways. I stood there staring at him. "Are you ok?" he asked me.

"Yeah. Why?" I asked suspiciously.

"Because you aren't laughing," Joey said.

"Because it wasn't funny."

"Here, I'll do it again." And he repeated his queer little impression. Again I gave the same reaction.

"You're a fag," I said. "But I got a present for you!" I walked over and held out the bag to him.

"What is it?" he questioned me.

"…Candy!"

"Oh! I'd love some!" He picked through the bag and took out some Heroin. "What's this?"

"It's like a pixie stick," I told him. "But you eat it through your nose."

"Interesting," Joey said. "I think I'll try some." He took a handful and sniffed it all. I stifled a laugh. But that laugh soon escaped once he collapsed to the floor. At least the couch was free now.

I sat down and clicked on the TV. Then Stephanie came in through the front door. "Have you seen Becky? I can't find her anywhere?" Stephanie asked me.

"Try the stairs," I said not looking away from the TV.

"What happened to Joey?" she asked sounding worried.

"He's just sleeping."

"On the floor?"

"Hey, he's a strange guy," I said. "I don't know why he decided to sleep on the floor." Stephanie shrugged and exited out of the room to find Becky. She found her. How did I know? 'Cause Stephanie started screaming.

"God is it ever quiet here?" I grumbled as I turned up the volume of the TV to drown out all the racket Stephanie was making.

"What's wrong?" Michelle asked as she came down the stairs.

"I don't know," I said. Michelle seemed to be like a normal kid now. "But go get me something to drink."

"Ok!" Michelle skipped out into the kitchen just like I ordered her. She came back with a can of pop. "Here you go!"

"Thanks. You can get one too."

"But we aren't supposed to-."

"Well I'm in charge now," I told her. "Your dad is dead, your aunt is dead, and your uncle is in jail. So that leaves me in charge."

"Ok!" Michelle went back into the kitchen and came back with her own can of pop.

"Stephanie is passed out on the floor," she told me.

"Is she breathing?" I asked, focusing on the TV.

"Yup." Michelle was also watching the television show.

"Then she's fine."

* * *

**

* * *

NOW I DEMAND FLAMES! MWHAHAHAHA! No seriously, flame now!**


	5. Don't do drugs, mmn'kay?

I'm back! And people are actually starting to flame! Yay! Ok, this is going to be the last chapter. 1. I'm getting bored. 2. Everyone is going to be dead. So, it's going out with a song by one of my heroes, Eminem! WOOT! Yay! So I don't own his song. It's called 'The Kids' but I changed the words to fit the rest of the story and I got rid of some parts, but it's all good. The End.

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**

* * *

And everyone should get along..  
Okay children quiet down, quiet down  
Children I'd like to introduce our new substitute teacher for the day  
Her name is Ms. CT  
Children quiet down please  
Brian don't throw that (SHUT UP!)  
Ms. CT will be your new substitute  
while Mr. Kaniff is out with pneumonia (HE'S GOT AIDS!)  
Good luck Ms. CT**

"**Hi there little boys and girls (FUCK YOU!)  
Today we're gonna to learn how to poison squirrels  
But first, I'd like you to meet my friend Steve (Huh?)  
Say hi Steve! ("Hi Steve") Steve's 20 and lives with his mom  
and he don't got a job, cause Steve sits at home and smokes pot  
but his twelve-year old brother looks up to him an awful lot  
And Steve likes to hang out at the local waffle spot  
and wait in the parking lot for waitresses off the clock  
when it's late and the lot gets dark and fake like he walks his dog  
Drag 'em in the woods and go straight to the chopping blocks (AHH!)  
And even if they escaped and they got the cops  
the ladies would all be so afraid, they would drop the charge."**

* * *

* * *

One night DJ was coming home from her late shift at the dinner she just started working at. She hummed a little tune while she took the trash out to the garbage can behind the building. After DJ jumped it in, some one attacked her.

* * *

_**

* * *

'Til one night Ms. DJ went off the job  
when she felt someone grab her whole face and said not to talk  
But DJ knew it was Steve and said knock it off**_

"Steve, what the fuck are you doing! Let go of me!" DJ screamed as she tried to get away from her druggie boyfriend.

_**But Steve wouldn't knock it off cause he's crazy and off his rocker  
Crazier than Cold Toenails is off the vodka  
You couldn't even take him to Dre's to get Steve a "Dr."**_

"You're coming with me bitch, I'm sick of you holding me back," he whispered harshly in DJ's ear. "You always make me feel so stupid and fat."

"Steve, I never said you were fat!"

Steve was now on the verge of tears. "Yes you did! I heard you talking to Stephanie a couple nights ago and you were like "Oh my god, Steve is so fat! He eats everything he sees!" Over the years, Steve's fast metabolism caught up with him. He was now 263.4 pounds, but Steve was still able to get around. When he came home for a visit, DJ saw him and threw up. That's why they broke up. DJ doesn't like fat people. And that's not very nice.

"You're coming with me bitch." He began to drag DJ off into some bushes. DJ screamed as loud as she could. She kicked him in the gut, but it was no use. Now her foot was stuck.

"Steve, dont, please!" DJ begged for her life. "I love you! I love you even though you are fat!"

"Now get what's coming to you!" DJ began call for help. No one came. No one heard DJ's murder.

**He grabbed DJ by the legs as chopped it off her  
and dropped her off in the lake for the cops to find her  
But ever since the day DJ went off to wander  
they never found her, and Steve still hangs at the waffle diner  
And that's the story of Steve and his marijuana,  
and what it might do to you  
So see if the squirrels want any - it's bad for you**

* * *

* * *

I sat in the living room with Michelle and the twins, who were just recently returned home. "Where did everybody go?" Alex asked.

"They are all dead," I told the children. They all began to cry. "Because of drugs."

"What are drugs?" Nicky asked.

"That candy you were eating," I explained. "And doing drugs is wrong."

"Why?" all three asked.

"Let me explain it to you."

**See children, drugs are bahhhd (c'mon)  
and if you don't believe me, ask ya dahhhd (ask him man)  
and if you don't believe him, ask ya mom (that's right)  
She'll tell you how she does 'em all the time (she will)  
So kids say no to drugs (that's right)  
So you don't act like everyone else does (uh-huh)  
Then there's really nothin else to say (sing along)  
Drugs are just bad, mmm'kay**

"Oh I see," Nicky said. "That all makes perfect sense!" I nodded.

"But my Mom is dead," Michelle said.

"And do you know why?" I asked her. "Because she did drugs."

"She died in a car accident."

I stared blankly at the blond girl. "No, it was drugs."

"But my Daddy said-."

"YOU'RE DAD IS A DRUGGIE THAT DOESN'T KNOW WHAT HE IS TALKING ABOUT! YOU'RE MOM DIED OF DRUGS, MMMMM'KAY?" Michelle nodded. I smiled. "Good, now for another story that shows you why not to do drugs.

* * *

**

* * *

Ecstasy is the worst drug in the world  
If someone ever offers it to you, don't do it  
Kids two hits'll probably drain all your spinal fluid  
and spinal fluid is final, you won't get it back  
So don't get attached, it'll attack every bone in your back  
Meet Stephanie, fifteen years old**

Stephanie decided to go to one of her friends house for a party. But it was nothing like how she expected it to. She was very disappointed to see people drinking and doing drugs when she was hoping for a rousing game of pin the tail on the donkey, or pick up sticks.

Stephanie found some of her friends and tried to talk to them. But they were too high to recognize her. So Stephanie tried to mingle with some other people. Everyone else was a stranger to her. 'Maybe I'll meet some new friends!' Stephanie thought. She was very excited about new friends.

She meets some guys and hits it off with them. But then they start doing what Stephanie never would have ever thought have doing.

**  
After hanging out with some friends at a party, she gets bold  
and decides to try five, when she's bribed by five guys**

"Come on! Just try it!" one of the said.

"Yeah, it's awesome!" another said. "You'll never feel anything like that."

"I'm sorry guys, my family doesn't do drugs," Stephanie said. She was very scared right now. But of course she was lying. They all did drugs.

**  
And peer pressure will win every time you try to fight it  
Suddenly she starts to convulse and her pulse goes into hyper drive  
and her eyes roll back in her skull blblblblblb  
Her back starts tah - look like the McDonald's Arches  
She's on Donald's carpet, layin horizontal barfin BLEH  
And everyone in the apartment starts laughin at him  
"Hey Adam, Stephanie is a jackass, look at her!"  
Cause they took it too, so they think it's funny**

"Ha, I told you it was awesome," Adam said. "Aren't you happy you tried it?" Adam looked over the money Steph gave him for the ecstasy.

**  
So they're laughing at basically nothing except maybe wasting her money  
Meanwhile, Stephanie is in a coma, the action is over  
and her back and his shoulders hunched up likes he's practicing yoga**

"Hey Steph, are you ok?"

* * *

**And that's the story of Stephanie, the ecstasy maniac  
so don't even feed that to squirrels kids, cause it's bad for you**

**See children, drugs are bahhhd (uh-huh)  
and if you don't believe me, ask ya dahhhd (put that down)  
and if you don't believe him, ask ya mom (you can ask)  
She'll tell you how she does 'em all the time (and she will)  
So kids say no to drugs (say no)  
So you don't act like everyone else does (like I do)  
And there's really nothin else to say (that's right)  
Drugs are just bad, mmm'kay?**

* * *

"But what if I want to try drugs?" Michelle asked.

"Go ahead I guess," I said with a shrug. "I hate you. I won't care."

"Can we?" the twins asked.

"You already did," I said. "You're too young to do drugs."

"But Michelle is only ten!" Alex said in protest.

"That's how old I was when I started using drugs," I said.

"Really?"

"No. I don't do drugs." Or do I?

**And last but not least, one of the most humungous  
problems among young people today, is fungus**

"Can I try this one?" Michelle asked picking up some fungus.

"Sure," I said.

"What is it?"

"Let me explain it to you…."

**  
It grows from cow manure, they pick it out, wipe it off,  
bag it up, and you put it right in your mouth and chew it  
Yum yum! Then you start to see some dumb stuff  
And everything slows down when you eat some of 'em..  
And sometimes you see things that aren't there **

"That sounds cool!" Michelle said wide-eyed. "Maybe I'll see some smurfs!"

"Wait, I have to tell you something before you try it!"

**And if you swallow too much of the magic mushrooms  
Whoops, did I say magic mushrooms? I meant fungus  
Ya tongue gets, all swoll up like a cow's tongue (How come?)**

"Why?" the kids asked.

**  
cause it comes from a cow's dung (Gross!)**

"I think its good!" Michelle said. In fact she liked it so much that she took them all. Michelle started doing some twitches.

"And that is what we call an overdose kids," I explained to the twins. "See, doing too much drugs will kill you. Just like it did your family."

"Where are we going to live now?"

"Hell should I know," I said. "But now I must leave. My work here is done. Just remember this…"

**

* * *

See drugs are bad, it's a common fact  
but your mom and dad, know that's all that I'm good at (Oh!)  
But don't be me, cause if you grow up and you go and O.D.  
They're gonna come for me and I'ma have to grow a goatee  
and get a disguise and hide, cause it'll be my fault  
So don't do drugs, and do exactly as I don't,  
cause I'm bad for you**

* * *

My mission was complete. I had taught this ignorant family about the horribleness of drugs. What would they do with out me? I hope all you readers learned something. The moral of this little story is that drugs are bad.

* * *

**And that is the end of the story. Wasn't it sucktastic! I would like to thank all my readers, especially the flamers. This wouldn't be possible without you. So it wasn't that good, ok the whole story sucked. But it's a catchy little song and it shows the dangers of drugs. So kids, don't do drugs 'cause they're bad for you. Mmm'kay?**

**With love**

**Cold Toenails**


End file.
